When Pregnancy Isn’t What You Envisioned

by Stephanie on August 23, 2011

I always envisioned myself as a glowing, happy, pregnant woman filled with the joy of creating life all while doing prenatal yoga and floating along loving my belly and not minding the weight gain at all.

As it turns out, I am more the green around the gills, angry at stupid people, junk food craving, bloated grumpy pregnant lady. That’s not to say I’m not thrilled to be pregnant—I am! And those little kicks fill me with happiness that my little nugget is indeed still in there and still doing well. It’s just that pregnancy…it wasn’t what I expected and you know what? I felt like a failure. With my first child, that feeling of failure was unwittingly compounded by my sister who was due two weeks ahead of me. She was, in fact, the lovely, glowing, yoga-loving, barely gaining any weight pregnant lady.  Meanwhile I puked through the whole nine months and no matter what I ate or didn’t eat the pounds just piled on.  This second time I thought that perhaps this time I will glow. I dreamed of picnics with my 2-year-old while sporting a little belly, full of energy, and feeling blissfully blessed.

Nope.

Instead it was worse than the first time. Nearly 19 weeks of nonstop sickness. My son quickly learned all the words to every Nick Jr. show as I laid on the couch moaning. Now  I not only felt like a failure as a pregnant woman but as a mother. Why couldn’t I do this? Why was my body incapable of being a happy, shiny, glowy, pregnant woman?

I’d read the magazines and realized that I’d been sold a bill of goods. Oh yeah, there’s an article about morning sickness here and there, but really it’s all about embracing how beautiful pregnancy is, and I’m here to tell you it is hard to feel beautiful when your head is in the toilet. Again.

Funnily enough, when they placed that beautiful baby in my arms, all the sickness and the feelings of failure vanished. Look what I made! All that puking and the 80 pounds? Worth it. No failure at all. Nothing but happy, glowing bliss.

Pregnancy is different for everyone. You might be one of those lucky gals who sails through pregnancy feeling great, able to exercise, and full of energy. More power to ya! (Just try not to brag to those of us who are sick as dogs, okay? We’re already jealous.) If you’re one of the ones who struggles along, know that you’ll make it. Try not to get bogged down in the depression of actual pregnancy not matching the dream of pregnancy . The sickness will end, and eventually you will feel better. Even if, like me, it’s not until you have that gorgeous baby.

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